Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
