my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i dont even know how to be here
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
