you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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