Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
this will be a night to untag.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
