Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
where am i from again
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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