I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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