We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize