Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
