please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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