i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
