I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
