Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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