I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I want her autograph on my taint
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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