I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
