I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
