I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
