Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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