Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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