you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
