When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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