Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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