He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
