all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
