A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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