I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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