I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
