can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
