from now on my penis is your penis
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
