Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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