her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
