So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
