would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
