You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
