just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize