That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
