So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm too high and old for this...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
