I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
