dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
