Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
