Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
