i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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