aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
