My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
