Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
