This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
