At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
