she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
