Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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