got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
