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ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize