Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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