You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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