I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize