You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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