don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
