The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize