Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
