does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
