if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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