my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize