hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
