I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
