she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
