But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
