it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
