I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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