God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
