Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i barfeds in our rink
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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